My credit card: The secret manifestation tool I didn’t know I had
Credit card, oh credit card, why do I love you so? Is it because you’re evidence of one the human kinds many modern miracles? Or is it because you so successfully filled that gaping hole in my self-esteem that for a second, I forgot it was there? Who knows.
For the last three years my credit card has been maxed out. I’m no longer allowed to use it other than to log in and pay off the balance that has steady accumulated. If you’re reading this and you’re related to me, all I can say is – I’m sorry.
As a coach I’m big about trying things and loving yourself enough to be open to the lessons in our mistakes, even in the face of circumstances that are not as you’d like them to be. In an unexpected twist my credit card has taught me a lot about manifestation, how to get it right and where for so long, I got it oh so wrong.
In the wildly acclaimed book, When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate, trauma is described as the moment a child learns that they are not perfect, that if they say or do the wrong thing, they can lose the love of a parent on which their life depends. These moments of heightened emotional pain, when left unprocessed, can develop into patterns of behaviours and stories that shape the course of our lives. For better or for worst. And it’s in these moments that stories like ‘I’m not deserving of the things I want’ are born. In my case, it was the misguided story of being unlovable.
Born out of an argument that happened in the playground and left without the tools to heal this pain, for years I carried it around in my pocket like a needy Tamagotchi. Spending on a credit card allowed an escape from that pain and my manifestation habits, became a form of bypassing.
“Manifestation can bring a feeling of empowerment that is lost at the point of trauma” comments Joanna Miller, a Somatic Therapist who agrees that manifestation practises can be transformative but warns about the difficulties of attempting to manifest something you don’t quite believe you’re worthy of. “We add suffering to the healing process by the bypassing of feelings or sensations. So what is required is a trauma-informed take on manifesting that supports the regulation of the nervous system”
Interdisciplinary Artist and Sound Healing Practitioner Hayley Ku’unani comments further on the power of a trauma-informed approach to manifesting “Self-awareness is the master key to the doors of our dreams. Once we identify and recognise our patterns, we can alter our trajectory. Manifestation is the realisation of who we are”
What does all this have to do with my credit card? Well, it’s only when we become aware of the negative emotions we’re avoiding do the things we want appear in our lives. The pictures we fill our vision boards might in fact be red herrings for a much deeper yearning that is waiting to be fulfilled. You might ask the universe for a partner only to discover that what you’re looking for is the permission to feel deserving of your own love. I asked for money, but what I was really wanting was self-esteem and to self-validate my own experience. It wasn’t until I did that, did my financial reality start to shift.
So dear credit card, why is it that I love you so? Is it because you became the physical evidence of where I was afraid to love the darkest parts of myself? Or is it because you so successfully taught me how to get it wrong, that I now have the tools build the life of my dreams from the inside out? Who knows.
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